I had to go birthday shopping for miss Fasika tonight-- I can't believe she's going to be 5 on Saturday, seriously I'm in shock. She seemed so little 15 months ago when we brought her home. She was even wearing size 2T clothing- she was just a little peanut- My little baby is going to be 5!! Well, it seems like she has just grown up overnight. She has come so far in the short 15 months we've been home. She now speaks perfect English (and has for more than 8 months), she has grown 6 1/2 inches and has gained 5 lbs, rides a bike, loves to go on sleep-overs, and is completely independent. Is it because I missed the 1st 3 1/2 years of her life that it feels like she's grown up so fast?
I sometimes think what it would have been like to hold her as an infant, to see her first smile, to watch her take her first steps, and have all those memories that I cherish so much with my bio kids. It comforts me to know that her mom was able to have those special memories with her. I sometimes feel guilty when I hear the sounds of Fasika's laughter, kiss her boo boo's, feel her soft skin, or hear her call me "mommy." I know her mom's heart is aching for her and would give anything to hold her again.
As her birthday is only 3 days away. I know her family is especially thinking of her during this time. As I plan Fasika's birthday party, a celebration that celebrates the miracle of life-- I know on this day, the day her mom who labored for hours and held her for the first time, the day her dad cried tears of joy to hold his baby daughter. Her mom told us that it was in the evening when Fasika was born, shortly after dinner. She said Fasika was a "big healthy baby" and that she gets her amazing out-going personality from her dad. She was so proud to tell us this story.
As I promised her mom, Fasika will ALWAYS know that she has a family in Africa who loves and misses her dearly. I have decided that we will pull out our video from our birth-family meeting and listen to her mom tell us the story about the day Fasika was born. I hope Fasika feels the love and happiness her mother felt during that time. It doesn't feel like it's enough, even though it's all I have. Why does my JOY have to be her GRIEF????
As her birthday is only 3 days away. I know her family is especially thinking of her during this time. As I plan Fasika's birthday party, a celebration that celebrates the miracle of life-- I know on this day, the day her mom who labored for hours and held her for the first time, the day her dad cried tears of joy to hold his baby daughter. Her mom told us that it was in the evening when Fasika was born, shortly after dinner. She said Fasika was a "big healthy baby" and that she gets her amazing out-going personality from her dad. She was so proud to tell us this story.
As I promised her mom, Fasika will ALWAYS know that she has a family in Africa who loves and misses her dearly. I have decided that we will pull out our video from our birth-family meeting and listen to her mom tell us the story about the day Fasika was born. I hope Fasika feels the love and happiness her mother felt during that time. It doesn't feel like it's enough, even though it's all I have. Why does my JOY have to be her GRIEF????
So.... Tonight, as I sit here, ready to wrap Fasika's birthday presents, I am torn. Torn between my joy of sharing my daughters 5th birthday with her and the sadness that her mom will not see the happiness and joy on her daughters face.
I came across this poem online and loved it:
My Child's Birthday
It's my child's birthday He just went dashing by His eyes are sparkling with the excitement meant only for today. Presents, kisses, hugs, cake, ice cream.
It all seems so natural. It's a day of looking back and looking forward.
It's my child's birthday But there is something different happening inside me.
This should be a day of complete joy A day for Thanksgiving But in the midst of all this excitement I pause, because my thoughts are about someone else for a time.
It's my child's birthday I have no memories of his life growing inside me and fighting to be released. Another someone was there Another someone suffered for my joy.
It's my child's birthday But someone, somewhere, is feeling emptiness inside.
I'm sure she is wondering Who he looks like If he is big or small. Wondering if he laughs much. It's my child's birthday And in the midst of this blessed day that was given to me I have a prayer. Oh God, that I may never forget that someone suffered so much to give life to my child. That someone loved my child so very much that she gave him the right to live.
May I never forget for a moment and especially now, today, to offer a prayer of thanks for that someone and that you, dear God, will always be there for that someone to help her through the hurts she will have when she stops to think that today is "my child's birthday."
© Unknown
wow! what a big girl she has become, and still so beautiful. I loved this poem, thank you for sharing it...
ReplyDeleteHi Valerie...happy birthday to Fasika when it comes. I know exactly how you feel and try to take comfort in the fact she was loved and cared for so well by her first mother who got to witness the baby milestones. Our families are built out of tragedy and its right we should think about their first mom's pain especially on our kids' birthdays and then pick up the reigns passed to us with all of our strength.
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